He Was Always There



Sometimes I miss the old me.
Limited conscience.
Do whatever my flesh wants,
Talk anyhow,
Act anyhow,
Eat anyhow,
Dress anyhow,
Eat anything,
Watch anything,
Listen to anything,
Read anything,
Think anything.
Hmm nothing do me ooo..
But it does sound like a whole lot of freedom right?
I mean it's so funny because I wasn't actually free..
I did whatever my flesh desired and though I felt free,
I really wasn't.

Not having a spiritual filter was not a great idea
because I felt free, but in my heart, I was locked away.
In my mind, I was blocked from anything pleasant.
My soul?
Did I even care about my soul?
All I wanted was to feel normal again.
To connect with people like a normal human being.
So I did what I thought would help and in the process,
I did things I regretted.
I kept doing them over and over again
because I felt it was the only way to connect.
It spewed hate, shame and guilt.
I started to hate myself.
I relied on people to fill voids
that I knew I couldn't fill if I was in their positions.
Truly it was because I had no spiritual filter.
I made decisions without thinking about consequences.
I mean..
there was no God to challenge me
or tell me "..girl you need to take a seat"
I thought
"hmm.. how can I go to God like this?
Will he want me?
Maybe I should get my affairs in order before
offering myself to him.
Sighs who am I kidding..
If he takes one look at me, He'll shoo me away"

But the thing is he was actually there.
He was always there..
while I was trying to get myself to be good enough for him, he was there.
Except my flesh blocked me from hearing.
When I did hear, it went out of the other ear.
It was like there was a fan in my mind
blowing out everything that was meant for change.
But one day, some way somehow,
God got my attention. He disconnected that fan
and his words began to ring in my mind over and over.
During my time of unbelief, I would tell him:
"If you're really here, I want no peace until I can have you"
And then he answered
and boy did He get my attention gooood.

Through the bad decisions, He spoke to me.
He reminded me that I deserved better.
That He has better planned for me.

So whenever I begin to miss the old me,
I remind myself of how He got my attention through the bad decisions
and how I just can't afford any more.
Even though His way of getting me to see him for who he truly was and is hurt
I can't and won't have it any other way.




Click on image to enlarge



Odabọ (bye for now),


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